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January 04, 2020
… another hour of reading to start the day, Short History of Decay, lots to think about, somewhere between philosophy and poetry, blank verse… i choose Gregorian Chants to listen to while i process what i have read, this:
The universe begins and ends with each individual, whether he be Shakespeare or Hodge; for each individual experiences his merit or his nullity in the absolute…E. M. Cioran, Short History of Decay
… i am attracted to this idea, does it mean that we are utterly alone in our universe because we alone created it?, and what role does a society of individual universes play in things?… i want to know what it is about copper beech trees that invites carved graffiti, they have such beautiful trunks, like the legs of elephants, i assume it is because they are smooth, blank canvass, unlike other more textured trunks, nature abhors a vacuum, or a blank page…
January 03, 2020
… reading a review of a book, Were It Not For, Michael Ashkin, the book about the bleak apocalypse we find ourselves not approaching, but living in the midst of, photographs of a wasted landscape, black and white, to reinforce the idea… i think i am making the same sort of photographs, except, in color, with life, with prettiness and ugliness, just what is seen, noticed, words are written, but not in response to the images, the mind responds in its own way to what is seen, heard, smelled, felt, tasted, and gives assessment…
January 02, 2020
… up early, 3:30 AM, i don’t mind, we went to bed early… started the day with an hour of reading, got the idea from a columnist, forget where, forget who, my freshest time of the day, a time when i will make progress… i read:
Let us keep deep down inside a certitude superior to all the others: life has no meaning, it cannot have any such thing.E. M. Cioran
… at my core i both suspect and resist this truth, i reject it really, i keep seeking to prove it wrong and construct or discover from another’s construction, a definitive proof that it does… the best that i can come up with is that it has meaning only in relation to other human beings and the simple things that are close at hand, no scholar or philosopher has ever been able to hand us the certitude that life has meaning of one kind or another… i maintain that the universe is indifferent to our existence within it, i reject the idea that there is a god that gives it meaning, i don’t necessarily reject the idea that there is a higher order, higher purpose being pursued, i don’t think it necessarily involves human beings, i think we are a way station…
January 01, 2020
1:13 PM – 19 Dewindt St.
… New Year’s Day… made it to midnight last night, ball drop, kisses and hugs, got some good pics, drank lager beer all night, did not get drunk… watching the Twilight Zone Marathon, making white bean and ham soup, using up the ham… got our Shingles shots last night before going out, H feeling effects today… quiet day, i wish the peace of this day would continue through the year, i feel that with the right frame of mind it is possible, shit happens, can one be peaceful in the face of it?… the state that fails to recognize the worth, the dignity, the rights of man, is obsolete… from the TZ… watching an episode dealing with nuclear war, i have the thought that the creation of a weapon of annihilation is a cosmic possibility, a fact on this planet, requires conscious, rational thought of the highest order to plan, construct, but the impulse that propels humanity forward to do it is, itself, grounded in the irrational, fear, desire for power and dominance, and so is an act of irrationality, this being a proof that conscious, rational thought, is not the dominating characteristic of our being, it is the means to a desired end…
December 31, 2019
The man who rules and believes in nothing—behold the model of a paradise of forfeiture, a sovereign solution to history. Opportunists have saved nations; heroes have ruined them.E. M. Cioran
… i read this and wonder if Donald Trump is exactly the ruler Cioran speaks of, i am horrified by the thought that maybe Trump’s place is to release a kind of greatness from the people, in opposition?, in cruel oppression?… there was this too:
Words, too often repeated, weaken and die, whereas monotony constitutes the very law of matter.E. M. Cioran
… i wonder at the truth of this when faced with memes, which repetitively proliferate across social media ecosystems… i take a moment to put up yesterday’s journal entry, i include two images made with my iPhone, the only images i made yesterday, they are banal, maybe, i don’t know, i am trying to allow the images to be loose, less formal, less artist intentional, perhaps more directly reflective of what catches my attention… not sure where i am heading with my photographic/writing practice, there has been a substantial shift, to color, to use of all cameras at my disposal, to willingness to share photographs not stellar in and of themselves, just representative of the moment, a moment of paying attention, finding something worth noting, but is it at all?… i am i said, to no one there, my existential cry for virtually my entire life, grounded in a song written and sung by Neil Diamond, high school, where all students cry the same cry, i am i said…
8:36 AM – Big Mouth Coffee Roasters
… a slow walk, around the streets, down Main Street, to the Roundhouse, Dogwood, back to BMC… cloudy, dark, wet, i experiment with my camera settings, choosing aperture, shutter speed, letting it choose ISO… sturdy barista is here today, she seemed a little different somehow, wasn’t sure it was her when i first walked in… i think Y is here, sounds like her, acts like her… J wants to discuss website this morning, i am wondering at what point i start billing her, when we get going i guess… it is Y, she stops by to say hello, she and T have been sick… “men are baptized in their anger,” croons the songstress… poetry, verse, i want to write some but haven’t been inspired… father and daughter walk in holding hands she is a little new to walking, she explores, he runs after her, carries her back, life unfolding before my eyes… time to go make breakfast…
4:16 PM – 19 Dewindt St.
… Twilight Zone marathon, long walk with the dog, H baking bread…