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Week 12

March 21, 2020

219.0 lbs

9:00 PM – Home

… was expecting H to text, she hasn’t, hoping everything is ok… the supply chains are struggling, two postponements by the new vegetable source, Amazon faltering too, everyone trying to get what they need, have lots of food, several sources, it will be ok… it seems strange, i knew i would be ok with isolation, even so, i am so far better than i thought… lets see how it goes for week two… watching the squid and the whale, kind of depressing, screwed up family, Jeff Daniels, Laura Linney, i need a photo walk tomorrow…

7:37 AM – Home

… back from a walk in Memorial Park, felt much safer than in the riverside park, note to park designers everywhere, wide open walk-able spaces are an advantage during a pandemic, social distancing super easy… the dogs were a pain during the walk, they are not trained to walk nicely and both when catching a scent go into sled dog frenzy, being scent hounds, there are few moments they aren’t catching a scent… Rubie-puss is trilling as he watches the starlings entering and leaving their nests in the eve of our neighbor’s house, carnivorous animals all doing what carnivorous animals do… i slept better last night, didn’t wake up at 1 as i have been, not watching news at end of evening and not drinking alcohol have both helped, i tried to tune into Rachel Madow, knowing i probably shouldn’t, lasted a minute, saw she was looking pretty grim, decided i didn’t need to know, that i already knew… my FB world is coming alive, people liking and commenting on my links, this part of the world is waking up, stumbling to their computers, getting their distant social contact, i feel fortunate at this moment to be a person who does well with being alone, i have always sought and needed daily extended periods of being by myself, so i don’t expect to suffer isolation the way most people will, i miss H very much, my love, my best friend, my completion of myself, the woman i told way back at the beginning, “i know i can go through anything with you,” and it’s been true, is true now… yesterday C called me all worried that my separation from H during this crisis would impact our marriage, break it apart, i told her that should be at the very bottom of her list of concerns right now… H and i have decided together each move we would make and understood the consequences of them, i don’t know when we will get to embrace each other next, but i know when we do we’ll be just fine…

March 20, 2020

216.4 lbs

9:43 AM – Home

… standing doing the dishes, i imagine i hear the creak and groan of a great ship that is foundering, i have this sense that we are on the Titanic, in those moments between hitting the iceberg and realizing the ship is going down…

7:56 AM – Home

… just went for a walk at daybreak, down to the river park, wanted exercise, brought the dogs, four joggers passed me by, one of them a couple of times, no closer that 15 or 20 feet, but breathing at expanded rate and capacity, leaving an extended toxic cloud of viruses, or so i imagined, how long does it take for that to dissipate?, this is paranoid, but am i wrong?, in worst case scenario 80% of the population will get the virus, in best case scenario, 40%, which means two to three of the people i passed have, or will get, the virus… i won’t be walking by the river again, i am sad, the things i love to do, that give me peace, are becoming off limits, one by one, there is still plenty on the list and a lot of it doesn’t require mingling with other people, so i will manage, but damn this all sucks…

4:24 AM – Home

… slept better last night, no alcohol, i still woke up at 1 AM, but got back to sleep quickly, woke up at 4… an email from the vet, they have switched to all concierge service, drive up, let them know you are there, a vet tech will come to get your pet, you will talk with doctor over phone, etc., the new normal, we are all trying to protect ourselves… the coffee is ready, i pour myself a cup, a little sugar, a little cinnamon, takes the bitter edge off, i need to work out coffee supply chain logistics, haven’t done that yet… California governor issued stay home orders to everyone in state, can’t imagine NY won’t eventually do the same, H coming home may become a moot point… i began last night to try to figure out safest way to bring H home, get the very first, least virus ridden boat to main land, i will be waiting for you in a car that has touched down in only one gas station, i am not sure where i will have gone to the bathroom, but i will have done my utmost not to contact skin to surface, not to move through air another human has moved through in the last 15 minutes, is that how long it takes for droplets to fall to the ground, gravity to do its cleansing work?… the dogs are sleeping in this morning, Chas usually down by now, Fiona released from her crate, just me and Rubie-puss at the moment…

March 19, 2020

216.8 lbs

9:38 AM – Home

… tonight, watching News Room, i was reminded of 911, i lived through that, i had a ringside seat, i thought that would probably be the worst experience of my life, yet, here we are, something even more catastrophic, more costly, going on, not the hatred of fellow human beings, nature, in the form of a virus… we’ve known for some time that such a thing could, probably would, happen, we didn’t prepare properly, at present, we are not led properly at the federal level, the costs will be real, the costs will be unimaginable, but we will live them, hopefully come out the other end, will we learn?…

7:44 PM – Home

… not a great day… continue to worry about J & C… had an awful interaction with a friend who stopped by to give me a cook book and ask if i wanted anything from grocers, i panicked, couldn’t open the door, couldn’t remember her name, couldn’t utter a word, i apologized via FB messenger, was forgiven, but it was awful, threw me off the rails all afternoon… doing my best to stay healthy, this is not going to be the time to need a hospital or medical facility of any kind…

5:33 AM – Home

… slept a little better last night, though still woke up in middle and took a while to get back to sleep, feeling relatively rested… freaked out by Rachel Madow last night, only watched first few minutes of her show where she was laying out the pandemic stats for Italy which indicate COVID-19 develops slowly to a deadly crescendo over three weeks, a slow motion train wreck, like the unfolding of the pandemic in the US… when we first went out to BI i felt on the verge of catching something cold like, dry throat, very dry throat in middle of night, you know, like you get with cold, i fought it off, at least i think i did, and i was thinking if nothing worse, like a fever, developed, i was probably in clear for the C-19, Rachel seemed to indicate I was not, which freaked me out, another two weeks to wait to be really in clear… well, i am strong, relatively healthy and doing my best to take care of myself, what else can i do?, oh yeah, try not to be anxious, easier said than done, right?… all indications are that this pandemic is set to become a full scale horror show in the next couple of weeks… am i ready?, i don’t know, spent the last several days figuring out my food supply logistics, i think i have it largely in place, still some more work to do… i am not going out at all, even to grocery stores that open early for seniors only, i am being paranoid by many people’s standards, but really, we don’t know the full story of how this thing transmits, though evidence suggests primarily by close contact with infected people and secondarily contact with surfaces infected people have been around, but until i know more, keeping my visits to enclosed spaces outside the home to a minimum… i’ve decided to keep my news watching to a minimum too, especially at night, as watching the news can freak me out and then make it hard to sleep, i will do soothing things at night before going to bed… dogs have been funny, they know something is up, i suppose it’s the fact that H isn’t here, that i am behaving differently, they are staying close, they follow me everywhere, even to bathroom where they curled up beside my feet while i was on the toilet… i’ve decided to write my journal right into my blog rather than transfer, more efficient i think, i am struggling with focus, efficiency, getting things done, can only manage a few main tasks a day…

March 18, 2020

217.6 lbs

6:10 AM – Home

… frustrating day yesterday, didn’t sleep well last night, worried about many things, active mind, wake up at 1 AM last two nights running, can’t get back to sleep… really miss eggs, i think i will do my chicken duties next week so i can have some… fake news being spread about Amazon halting shipments of everything but medical supplies… people dreaming on FB about the giant germ sharing party we will have when it is all over, which will be when we get a vaccine, a year at least?… starting to get offended by the rich person car commercials sprinkled between the deadly serious news, tone deaf?, i think so, first few photo projects i looked at this morning, same thing, ugh, we are the ugly Americans…

March 17, 2020

217.4 lbs

2:54 PM – Home

… day two of lock-down in Beacon-Beacon, NY expecting to be hit hard, trying to secure my supply chain, hoping the nation’s supply chain holds, sorted out getting my meds, i hope, tried to get C on Amazon, did not go well, cancelling her CC, communications with family, everyone sharing info, trying to coordinate, texts with H, she and her mom hunkered down, apparently virus refugees arriving on BI, people who have homes and think it a safer place to be, it might be, lot more distance between people there, islanders worried the virus is coming with them, hard to be separated from H, but someone needed an eye on the home and there were things that needed doing, taxes, cat, etc… don’t feel that lonely yet, but i imagine i will, in some ways this a better place to be, there was no place for me to do the things i do on BI, it was frustrating… reached out to H next door this morning, we are in text communication, will check in on each other, i am afraid J and C just won’t be able to protect themselves, afraid i’ve worried C more than is good, but trying to help from afar, will have to just step in and order for them and get check reimbursement… lost my wedding band, hoping it is somewhere in the house, just came off i don’t know when or where, i think i came home with it on…

March 16, 2020

No weight

March 15, 2020

No weight

8:11 AM

… shitty start to the day, dogs very restless, H didn’t sleep well, back is bothering her, sitting next to Chas who’s tummy is audibly churning, upset stomach, no wonder he was eating grass which dogs tend to do when tummy upset, at least that is one of the theories about dogs eating grass… very frustrated, there is no way to pursue any of my routines out here, can’t read because the TV is going all the time, unless i want to sequester myself in bedroom which i am not fond of, it’s like being exiled, i have no place to comfortably be and do the things i like to be and do… it’s an unusual situation with M having to live on ground floor, can’t come down and turn on lights in the morning, she likes to leave her doors open, can’t bring dogs down, except on lead, left Chas in bedroom and he wined to get out, had to take dogs on long walk, which was tortuous because they were in major hunting mode, frustration after frustration, but, given that just about everyone in the world is threatened with an even shittier time or actually having a shittier time, these complaints are truly minuscule… M passing by with her walker…

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