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Week 23

In which we pack up and travel to Block Island and experience numerous frustrations and irritations in the effort; i start to re-read On Photography by Susan Sontag; Black Lives Matter protests continue, solidarity with BLM is found on the island, a wealthy, mostly white community; i have a dust-up with J and with H; i learn about the Boogaloo movement and Qanon and (mis)quote Bette Davis in All About Eve; decide that the Space X astronauts launch is more “Whitey On The Moon,” has nothing changed since the 60’s?

June 06, 2020

225.4 lbs

11:30 AM – The Cottage

… processing photos, as i do, i am processing my confrontation with J yesterday, it is distressing that my peace of mind is so disrupted for so long, i am exhausted by my anger, i struggle to regain my center…

7:32 AM – North Light BI

… feeling irrelevant, exhausted, un-creative… Black Lives Matter banners in town, on the painted rock… i have privilege, more than many, less than some, I don’t need my privilege to be more than any, respect is due all human beings unless actions suggest respect is not warranted…

6:39 AM – the cottage

… i am so sad, so frustrated…

approximately 5:00 AM – the cottage

… big dustup with J yesterday, she assumes participation without asking or finding out what limits are, i was ignoring it, decided i needed to say something, so that maybe she won’t do it again, she does it or something similar once a year, she claims transparency and open heartedness, meanwhile she drags everyone into her “i am such a good person plans” without them knowing it is coming, don’t do that J if you don’t want to experience my anger, ask first, find out what i may or may not be willing to do… it’s been a lousy week, filled with frustrations, irritations, routine busting changes in location and weather, i am tired, i want to go home, but we are here for another week, i am hoping the second week will be better than the first, i will try to have a good attitude, hope for no more frustration and irritation… a FB messenger chat with P, she commented on one of H’s posts that she was terrified and did not think we understood that, it stuck with me because i know i am scared and i wondered what her fears, as a conservative, are, turned out to be legitimate and not what i could have imagined, i was glad i reached out, i hope it was a good exchange for her too… Cheeto-in-chief continues to be awful, country quickly heading south, towards a civil war, as the immortal Bette Davis said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”, (a misquote i learn, should be bumpy night, not bumpy ride, but the latter works better, especially here)… i can’t imagine what’s going to happen come election day… a buoy bell in the distance, mournful, “Send out not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.”, birds twittering, they know nothing of human folly and struggle, they have their own struggles and yet manage to be twittering every morning…

June 05, 2020

225.2 lbs

8:10 AM – the cottage

… just finished an article on the Boogaloo movement, between that and Qanon, one has to wonder if we are in the middle of societal collapse…

7:27 AM – the cottage

… an attempted walk aborted due to rain, instead, i finish an article on Qanon, or Q, and what i read is disturbing, but not incomprehensible, i try to step back and fit it into a larger pattern of social problems that lead people to believe in some great event planned by god and the cosmos, that will change things for the better…

5:43 AM – the cottage

… an argument with H last night… this trip out to BI has been pretty sucky, bad internet, frustration after frustration and then the fight, i am getting to the place where i don’t like coming out here, which is sad… i hope we can turn it around before we have to leave… haven’t been feeling in the groove on the photography either…

June 04, 2020

226.4 lbs

8:21 AM – walking, Rodman’s Hollow

… construction in the distance, birds twitter, a lichen covered rock to sit on, almost 2 hours into the walk, moving slowly, still thinking about my cousin’s statement of fear, why is she so afraid?, i don’t think it’s for the same reasons i am…

6:47 AM – walking

… raging sea in the distance, birds singing… desperate for a place to sit, just a moment, to release my back, which complains more today than yesterday… rock by the side of the trail will do… thinking about three articles i read this morning, the first about the “secret police” being deployed by the Attorney General, the second about Mattis speaking out and the third about how smart individuals get co-opted into supporting a totalitarian state… how they become apologists… not the best start to the day… so far my time on BI has not been very happy, looking forward to going home…

5:29 AM – The Cottage

… can’t get P’s comment on H’s FB page out of my mind, she wonders why we can not see how terrified “they” are, they being she and other family members with strong conservative values who support Donald Trump… i think in return, can’t you see how terrified we are of what he represents, of having a way of life and value system that we cannot abide shoved down our throats, of the undoing of anything remotely valuable about democracy in the United States?, and like that, i am flabbergasted by the cosmic distances between the way we are viewing things, all to be blamed on propaganda media outlets on both sides…

June 03, 2020

224.2 lbs

3:56 PM – The Cottage

… H at her mom’s, dogs asleep after Fiona worried for a while, cat eating, me, editing photos, writing, wasn’t feeling well earlier, better now… annoyed that H is not back and it is Nicole Wallace time… lately i ask myself why i put so much time into the photographs, into this journal, into the daybook?… i am compelled, this is where i think meaning will be found, am i wasting my time?…

8:53 AM – walking, somewhere on West Side Road

… easy strides, taking my time, which has translated into good stamina, 13k steps so far, lots of thinking, most of it passing through, not taking hold, figuring out how to get eggs, or what steps may be to get them… a house hiding behind hill and vegetation, lots of work trucks shuttling back and forth, islanders seem busy…

7:59 AM – walking, American Legion Post 36

… i stop to photograph, civil war, WWI, WWII, Korean War, Vietnam War, for the civil war there is a map to the graves… there is a weather coming sort of wind blowing through the trees… a road construction project, building a sidewalk?…

7:33 AM – airport road, rest stop, by the side of the road… Story Walk, a children’s story, learning to count to 10, sweet, historic, the name some kind of possessed entity by the creator, we seem obsessed with the possible monetization of everything we create, rather than releasing it to the cosmos, how else are we to make a living?…

6:43 AM – walking, Near Rodman’s Hollow

… the flow of life on the island continues to annoy, dogs up early, H up early, solitude disrupted… the birds twitter, a jet heard overhead, peaceful, unlike the country… two birds fighting in the road…

June 02, 2020

No weigh-in

… a pretty annoying 24 hours, but, being on BI priceless… shit storm in the country, can it get worse?, wait for it… the titanic image keeps coming back to me, ship of state going down?… my walk this AM on the short side, out to Dickens Farm Preserve, the thistle plants are coming up, looks like a good crop, looks like I will be able to photograph the flowers while i am here… dogs caught scents this AM, seriously annoying…

June 01, 2020

No Weigh-in

… on the BI ferry, heading for BI… tired, up at 1:00 AM, got some things done, like submission to photography now, i wavered, almost did not, then did… also edited photos from yesterday, think i got some good video stills… been pretty contact-less on the trip… hungry, no place to get breakfast this AM as we left…

May 31, 2020

No Weigh-in

8:03 AM – Memorial Park

… a quick scan of the news, more riots, the military may be called in… birds twitter… a gentle breeze across the landscape…

7:30 AM – Memorial Park

… squirrel in the middle of expanse of grass, i want to warn it that hawks hunt here…

6:04 AM – My Studio

… getting ready to head out for photo walk, today we pack up and get ready to go… tomorrow we hunker down on Block Island… all systems go… yesterday, pandemic, riots, space x launch, Whitey On The Moon… i cannot remember a more horrid time, perhaps the 60’s were, i was oblivious back then, am i more aware now?… i keep thinking i am being selfish, that i should learn to sew masks or something instead of so much focus on my own creative work which is introverted, focused on my experiences, will any of it be valuable beyond myself?, i keep hoping it will be and am continually disappointed at the lack of attention on social media… why do i make it?, because right now, i can’t not make it…

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