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Week 28

July 11, 2020

04:37 PM – living room, watching MSNBC

… talking about 45’s push to open the schools… complaining bitterly… Roger Stone pardon up next… experimented with camera zoom on iPhone today, like the possibilities…

06:34 AM – walking, Beacon Falls

… a new day, not humid, cooler, H disappointed there was not more rain, at the dam i can see there wasn’t so much, not the 1.5-2 inches forecast… Brad Feuerhelm on Waffenrhue, the place of the text, a book that channels the undertow of the times… wonkiness with pictures on my website, wondering if because page created out of Ulysses… technology hurdles today, H’s iPhone setup, Sonos Alexa, Echo Dot… saw R from a distance, Mr. and Mrs. Clause on their morning constitutional… was thinking this AM about how morally, intellectually and politically bankrupt Republicans under 45 are… bankruptcy of traditional white, male, dominated culture, some hope that this may be the nadir…

July 10, 2020

05:34 PM – living room

… new wifi mesh system installed, is this what heaven is like?…

01:05 PM – living room

… 45 doing/saying more awful things… every day i wish he would dry up and go away…

05:43 AM – my studio

… dogs released, let out, called back in, because Chas was barking at an animal, squirrel most likely, H taking a shower, i review a BA post, a visit to the autonomous zone in Seattle before it was cleared out, a story that i don’t fully read, pictures that seem unremarkable, are they any better than mine?, well, there are people in them, not close up, from a distance, i could do that, i think to myself, but they are not very interesting pictures i also think to myself… i suppose the significance is that BA bore witness, great, good photographs were not the point, bearing witness was… i have started to try to make my way through Bernadette Mayer’s Memory again, the idea of pictures as data, not summations of the ineffable, individual pieces of sublimity, just “snapshots” of the elusive all and everywhere… a photo essay on Burn, produced from the tragedy of drug gang culture in Mexico, the effect on families…

05:24 AM – my studio

… just as I open this to write, Chas starts whining at the bedroom door, fuck you i say… in my mind, i am trying to make my picture production out to be something exceptional, the ever persistent “i am i said,” that floats through my entire history, anyone’s history?… if i could let go of this “i am i said,” would my production be any better or would it just be?, is that the point?…

July 09, 2020

02:37 PM – living room

… posting of photos to social media complete, thinking more about the meaning of what i am doing relative to Bernadette Mayer

07:16 AM – walking

… i pass three black lives, outside their building, sharing a joint, i say good morning, one says good morning back, another passes the joint to the third…

7:02 AM – walking, near Fishkill Creek

… humid, cloudy, foggy… the dog i passed on the bridge the other day just passed me by, he seems to have rounds that he makes, he has tags, the other day i thought he was a she, today it was clear that he was a he and intact, he cantered by, proper social distancing, i wonder if we encounter each other enough will a relationship of some kind develop?, i recognize him, will he recognize me?…

5:12 AM – my studio

… i woke up this morning to an email from our accountant that clarified to a much more favorable place what our tax debt was, better than the disaster i was afraid it was from her first email and better even than what i had anticipated, we have the money to pay it, relief…

July 08, 2020

224.8 lbs

07:07 AM – walking, memorial park

… research into our wireless problems reveals Apple hasn’t updated their router equipment technology since 2013 and has stopped making routers as of 2018, it seems we will be getting a new router setup and further funding the economy…

05:31 AM – my studio

… running a speed test on my computer i discover we are operating at 1/10 the minimum recommended speed for an internet connection, this determines what my day will be about…

05:09 AM – living room

… dogs wake up, intense frustration with internet connection, so f’ing slow…

July 07, 2020

224.8 lbs

5:22 PM – picking up dinner

… bringing dinner to a family in need, some for us too…

4:13 PM – living room

… how many times, how many ways can you say that the 45 is an idiot, day after day after day, he’s an idiot, he’s an idiot, he’s an idiot…

3:44 PM – living room

… frustrated with flow of days… the day not the best for getting things done… i am tired of what my life is right now, no forward progress…

12:28 PM – my studio

… testing typewriter mode in Ulysses

7:59 AM – walking, Pocket Rd trail

… wanted to remember E had the virus and really struggled with it, young, healthy, been dealing with it for months she says…

7:29 AM – walking, Pocket Road trail

… where the trail crosses the stream, my favorite place to stop, rest, turn and go back, if there isn’t time or inclination to continue to top… two women with dogs pass, one masks up, the other does not… thinking i would like to plan a trip to Innisfree, tomorrow?… no dogs though… the loquacious stream, the occasional jet thundering overhead… contemplating a road trip to Rochester, wondering if there is a good camp site, visit the grave of Frederick Douglas…

6:14 AM – walking

… thinking about, wondering about, women who write about photography, currently it seems to be all men… Frederick Douglass statue toppled, 45 blames leftist anarchists, not likely…

5:19 AM – my studio

… going through my Feedly feed, Jonathan Blaustein, on an article about an Avedon show… feel like i am barely treading water, standing still, i need to make some progress on my work, on some more substantial production, a book?, the daybook?, i don’t know, what is any of it for?, is that despair?… i wonder about moving my computer downstairs, which divorces it from my printer which i need to get going again… i have been reading a variety of photographic commentators letters and blogs, trying to see if there are some lessons i can take about how to write something like this so that it is engaging… it seems it can be done, even turned into a weekly newsletter, but one needs a following, maybe i should start with a monthly?… this is too long, drawn out and meandering and self involved?… people don’t have patience for that, what do they have patience for?, i don’t know, but i am irrelevant to them, i don’t have a following, why do i care if i do?, i have been caring for at least a decade, perhaps a little longer, since i first got on to instagram, looking for a strategy that will get me more likes, i suspect that part of my problem is that i just post, i don’t engage much, i don’t feel like i have time to engage… as i write all this, i think, i have been thinking, that i need to use these journal pages to write a summary, a kind of news letter, that is easier to get through, go to the foundational material if you want, but here it is in brief, more palatable form…

4:22 AM – my studio

… i research Real Country HV, not the hotbed of white supremacy i imagined it could be… an article in The Economist indicating the stimulus has helped the poor… another talking about progressive victories in Democratic primaries, Millennials, it claims, are more liberal than their predecessors, change is coming… an article on Peter Hujar, wherein i realize i am more interested in Trans culture…

July 06, 2020

226.8 lbs

6:02 PM – watching MTP Daily

… a nurse talking about the stress she is experiencing, the exhaustion, the pain, the sorrow, i realize i am barely talking straight from my heart here, barely touching my feelings, i resolve to do more of that…

5:12 AM – watching MTP Daily

… been learning Ulysses, successfully hooked WP up to it and posted to my blog from it… worked on my photo work flow, for the first time the possibility that it will all come together and i will be capable from phone and desktop…

7:35 AM – walking, Mt. Beacon Trail entry, 9D

… looks like lots of hikers up the front trail, planning my own trip this week, will go the back way… thinking about the news that the virus has become more transmissible but less lethal, has mutated, wondering if that is good or bad news…

6:46 AM – walking

RealCountryHV.com, 96.5 FM

5:15 AM – my studio

… so far, no doggie interruptous… i review my daybook from yesterday, this will be the first full week in Ulysses, experimenting, figuring how it works, the new iPhone camera, streamline my daybook production, wondering if the daybook is what i should be sinking my time into, of course, it is not just the daybook, which is the destination product, to be shared with who?, for what reason?, does any who care?, which is the circular round and round i have with myself about producing it, why do i sink so much time into making pictures, writing, sharing in the daybook?… i keep thinking, just writing it, producing it, that is the value, that it may ultimately give me a grand insight into things large and small, that the cosmos will make sense, but someone said, the cosmos is always chaos, is it?, or does it have a deeper meaning that any sentient being is tasked with figuring out, or to reference de Chardin, are we, the life on this planet, meant to discover some kind of meaning at the bottom of all this?… turtles all the way down?… frustration, my website is inaccessible to me right now, will have to sort the problem out later…

July 05, 2020

226.2 lbs

7:59 AM – walking, Madam Brett trail

… exploring, experimenting, all the things i now can do…

7:05 AM – i run into R, we chat, i move on, what should i be doing with my photography?, what is the use of what i am doing?… i can export files from this app as HTML, would that be the way to develop a record?… A fine young woman passes by walking her dog, i think, oh to be a fine young woman walking her dog!

6:43 AM – walking, Long Dock Park

… in Polhill Park i photograph BLM chalk drawings… it is very quiet this AM… old man moving a stump, he and his ancient dog creeping along, enjoying the quiet morning, he has a t-shirt proclaiming “Luck Has Nothing To Do With It,” there are so many ways to take that… i wonder what Susan Sontag would have made of phone cameras, the internet, social media…

4:50 AM – front porch

… i am irritated, i can’t get a morning of uninterrupted reverie, reading, whatever i want to do in silence , by myself… just when i settle in, the dog starts to whine, if i don’t let him out of the bedroom he will wake H and then everyone will be up… all i want is a couple hours quiet and concentration… i continue to photograph only with the iPhone, with some good results, a clear shift in my practice… i wonder how the iPhone practice should be different, it is more immediate, more as you go, more make a picture and move on… a recipe i want to copy but which won’t load in Paprika, later when i am at the desktop…

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