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2021.04.24

05 Photographs

04 Walking

… a beautiful morning, still air, slight chill, warm in the sun… i have decided not to be ambitious with my walk… keep it in town, debating stopping at a coffee shop… the one B now owns… i am depressed today, can’t pin it on anything in particular, just a general frustration with my stuckness… contemplating buying a scanner to scan photos of Fiona… i want to present them at the next salon, put them up on the web, i think they are interesting, i don’t know what they mean if anything… maybe they will warrant a chap book eventually… i am sitting by the falls on roundhouse property, i barely hear the birds above the roar of the falls, i wonder about the wisdom of a bird setting up near a waterfall and singing… if it’s to attract another bird, how successful will it be?… in two days i am trying to promise myself i will take care of myself, i contemplate starting with a proper haircut, H and i, together… post pandemic blues?… might be a thing if we were past pandemic… let me meditate for a moment… shadows of leaves on a nearby tree trunk, absence of light, absence of leaves themselves…

03 My Feedly Feed

… i read about Heather Oelklaus and her 1977 Chevy, a small truck she has made into a camera obscura… she drives around the country making long exposures… she invites people she meets into the truck to sit, tells them to let their eyes adjust to the light, and then they see it, an upside down and backwards world… is this gimmick or meaningful photography?, i don’t know, it is meaningful to her, that is all that really matters…

… Jonathan Blaustein writes about a book on the poaching of Redwood Tree burls… apparently, burls are part of the reproductive system of the trees… i google redwoods and burls and find a park service publication explaining that the burls store unsprouted bud tissue which serves as storage for the genetic code of the tree1… the pictures are beautiful and awful at the same time… the one that gets me the most is this one:

… men, sitting in the cut of an about to be felled giant, such an affront, such arrogance… European man is stupid, arrogant… we live with the arrogance still…

an interesting article on Yuge Zhou who composes “video art collages” that explore her story as an immigrant… as i write those words i wonder if the device is distracting from the story… an example:

https://vimeo.com/236258533

02 Catcalling, Lee Soho

A Church We Erect Together

… she talks about her father’s indiscretion… he is having sex with someone other than his wife… “he slept with a sister at the broken church” and i am thinking he sleeps with a nun… but then “Father squeaked quietly under the covers He believed Squeaksqueak When I lay in the lower bunk Father shook the bed from up top”… so the sister is her younger sister? Father is molesting his daughter, her sister?…

Kyungjin’s Home—A Studio Apartment

… lover, husband, an unhealthy and angry relationship… mouth and going down, and cannibalism, metaphorical?… a poet who eludes to, doesn’t state directly, cryptic… i hate cryptic, it’s so much work… that is the point, isn’t it?…

Kyungjin’s Home—May 8, Parents’ Day

… about cutting off hair, being nailed to the alter of the family table, bringing a stranger in off the street to have an odd number…

With Mom Hanging From My Crotch

… the title alone is disturbing… the poem is about giving birth to a baby girl, she refers to the child as her mother, something about dad’s rib, the whole thing seems incestuous… has her father made her with child?… these poems are dark and troubled…

01 Self

232.2 lbs

… feeling a little groggy this morning, alcohol, frustration with that, i tried a little walk with dogs and H to relax, it worked somewhat, but not enough to not want a cocktail… i really want to get my weight down below 230… i will accept 225 as a good place to get to for now… significantly backed off from the 230 mark… i try to exercise more, but don’t always succeed, though i think on average i am walking more and that it has at least stopped the upperward trend…

… feeling stuck, unable to move things forwards that should be moved forwards, why am i feeling so stuck?… each day, not enough time to do the things i want to do plus the things i need to do, H is not much help in the getting things done department, she provides the bulk of the money we spend, but not enough to hire people to help with things, so i try to do them myself and constantly feel overwhelmed by what needs doing… sometimes i fantasize about selling the house and moving into a condo where there is less maintenance…

… the other day C said that they had gotten their stimulus checks, which means they have an income less than 160K which surprises me given the lifestyle they lead… though i don’t know, we make a bit less than they but probably, as it turns out, not that much less, 10K here and there makes a difference?…

… Fiona chose to sleep in my studio today, while i write, sometimes she stays downstairs… i hear her lick her chops a bit, before falling asleep…

… Heather Cox Richardson musing over the split between business and the Republican Party, she doesn’t think it is determined yet whether it is a permanent split… just that if the split continues, things will change one way, and if it heals, things will change another way… H and i hope the split continues…

… i read about a socialism vs. capitalism debate, the audience starts out overwhelmingly in favor of capitalism, the results of the debate are not shared, i don’t know if socialism gained ground or not…

… all government systems get corrupted by individuals who desire to have power… it really is about the best system for curbing the corruption… the rest of us just want to get on with our lives…

… i spoke with J yesterday, we are working on their website, at the end we discussed their participation in an effort and how they are being treated, i told them they need to withdraw from the situation, only be there when their work requires sharing, input… they seem to be hanging on hoping for a role they deserve but won’t get…

  1. https://www.savetheredwoods.org/blog/exploring-the-mysteries-of-redwood-burls/

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