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Week 02

Left click on any photograph to bring up a slide show of all photographs.

January 11, 2020

224.0 lbs

… i am surprised to be up in weight, no alcohol yesterday, i did not overeat, i got my 10k steps in, yet i am up in weight… i feel somewhat better this morning but my wonky feelings come and go during the day, so too early to tell if no alcohol helped… cloudy, dreary day, looks like it will be that way for the next week, i take the closed bridge route, lofts and housing off 52, as i am walking i decide i will stop at Dunkin Donuts, try a different kind of coffee environment, experience a different clientele, different baristas, probably called sales associates here… i am shocked when my coffee cost more than it does at Big Mouth, what is a fast food franchise for if not to supply mediocre product at mediocre prices?, i am angry on behalf of the customers… sales associates are friendly, not the hipster crowd that goes to Big Mouth or Ella’s Bellas, several men who seem like they might work for the city or similar kinds of jobs, it is what i expected, i removed my pussy hat before arriving, sunlight streams across my face into the store, then dodges back behind the clouds… i signed up for an enhanced membership at CPW, we don’t really have the money but i have been wanting to do that for some time, see if it is useful, see if the perks are worth it, i also want to be able to submit to the members show if it isn’t too late, it is also probably a good year to do it as i have a solo show at WAAM which is very near by… a frustrating time getting into my bank account this morning, nothing worked, couldn’t get to the website then couldn’t log in… photographically, i continue to wonder what i am doing, i am back on the Nikon, which makes image files of superior quality… there is a line out the door, Saturday mornings are for Dunkin Donuts?, it is almost 9:00 AM, people on their way to work?, getting breakfast for the family?…

January 10, 2020

223.4 lbs

… didn’t eat that much yesterday afternoon, so weight down… i am not going to drink alcohol all weekend, i am not going to drink coffee, i hate the taste of it all, i don’t know if i will stick to this, but i will try and report each day whether i did or not… i need to feel better, been feeling kind of wonky… up early this morning, 3:30, awake at 3:00, early to bed, early to rise… finished with Art Can Help, Robert Adams, i like his gentle contemplation, i like that it simply uplifts, has some hope, though not a lot… H helped H yesterday, took some of the 40 garlic chicken i made over to her, she wants the recipe, as i thought she might, i wasn’t sure there was a website to send her to, but it turns out there is… H needs to give me the means to send it to her… more thinking and wondering about the photographs i am making, mundane, attention, walked with the Nikon this morning, 50mm lens, made a fair number of pictures, i am thinking i will bring a selection of what i am putting on line to Salon next week… see what they think… is there any value in them?, maybe if i edit a set together, there are so many to choose from… 

January 09, 2020

225.0 lbs

5:55 AM – my studio

… i am relieved, i was sure my weight would be higher, i lost it towards end of yesterday, food, alcohol, too much, too much… Chas got through his surgery and came home to us, he was a sluggish dog most of the afternoon, restless too, doesn’t like the cone of shame, who can blame him?… all day yesterday, while he was at the vet, even into this morning, i keep having thoughts of the William Faulkner character in Sound and Fury, the castrated idiot, was his name Benji?, stalking the golf course because the little white balls might be the same as the balls he has lost… 

8:17 AM – Ella’s Bellas

… cold this morning, H up early again, the disruption to routine is difficult for me, she knows this and is apologetic, it’s ok, an adjustment to make, does not totally derail things… Chas more chipper this morning, less awkward, rear legs working better, kind of wobbly yesterday… i read more of D’s book and come across something that makes me wonder if she will read what i have written and say anything about it, no matter, i put things out there and the response i get is the response i get, i don’t worry much about it… coffee in here sucks, it is too strong, bitter, like BB, a reason to not come here as often… i wonder about my photography again, does it amount to anything?, does it mean anything?, is there any point to making it?, the point being i want to make it and i see things in it even if nobody else does… i posted a sequence of photos this morning that channeled american spirit, character, mostly about being consumers and being obsessed with wealth and how to obtain it, and with beautiful women and how to obtain them, will anyone else see these things?, they will have to look first… for my next essay on Mari Katayama i am thinking i will weave something about D and her puppet nature into it, the two are relatable and related… another short essay in Art Can Help, talking about a woman photographer and the struggle of artists to get noticed, and how most of them don’t, which, in the end, needs to be ok because we make what we make, what we feel compelled to make… wild haired woman is here today, she sits across the aisle to my left, cross legged, her laptop, in front of her, she seems a gentle soul, perhaps a new age soul… J looking serious today, i tell her so, she says a lot happening fast, i tell her i hope she gets through it in good shape, or something like that… i have not heard from J (another J) about my fee proposal for her website, sent the email three days ago, no reply, no bounce back, i will proceed as if accepted for the time being, i am sure we will talk eventually…

January 08, 2020

224.4 lbs

5:36 AM – My Studio

… Chas gets neutered today, everyone is up, i am not totally happy about this even if i understand why, H worries, her baby… sad to be taking his “manhood” from him, especially since he’s about to have a new female pack member to cavort with, which is why we neuter him, she won’t be initially… D liked Mari Katayama, i thought she might… Iran struck back yesterday, no word on casualties by the time i went to bed, few commentators seemed to think it would end there, over to you Mr. Trump… there is no place, polity, culture, that isn’t subject to terrible times, why should we be immune?, which isn’t to suggest that i believe the history of the US is without many blemishes along the way, i am not nostalgic or naive, i sometimes wish i could retreat into blissful ignorance… i sort through my various news feeds, nothing new on Iran, not much interesting on any other front, except one item catches my attention, an obituary in Slate for Syd Mead, the headline sinks a hook into me as i pass over it on the way to other things, i decide to go back, Syd Mead, it turns out, is responsible for the Blade Runner sets, one of my favorite movies of all time…

7:23 AM – Big Mouth Coffee Roasters 

… brief walk down Main Street, a number of photographs made, have to get back to the house to take Chas to the vet, mournful, zaftig woman floats by on her way to the back door, i watch her, she sees me watching, i say good morning, she does too… sturdy barista here, i consume her tumbling blond curls with my eyes, blond is not her natural color, i am attracted as i am to all the young women baristas i see more than a few times, familiarity makes them more and more accessible to the warmth of my feelings for all things feminine… i check bank accounts and see that my SS has arrived early, good, we need the money… sturdy barista hides in a corner behind the counter, on a low stool, reading, studying her smartphone, whatever, a customer comes through the door, she pops into view, ready to service him… the coffee is bitter this morning… time to go…

January 07, 2020

225.4 lbs

6:08 – My Studio

… a Brain Pickings post reminds me of a thought i wanted to get down, we are each our own universe, we are many parallel universes traveling together, from time to time we interconnect, flow from one into the other, then separate and go our own ways, a very few traveling all the way beside us…

8:15 AM – Big Mouth Coffee Roasters

… nice walk, 6300 steps so far, will be easy to make it to 10K… thought more about the parallel universe idea and the idea that we are each our own universe, that we are born, live and die within that universe, Cioran was on to something here… but as S said, there is still this sense we are all connected, i find the idea that we are parallel universes brings interconnection into view, we can be both connected and stuck inside ourselves… read more in D’s book, thinking she will like the work of Mari Katayama, an artist i am planning to write about, double amputee, cleft hand that looks like a crab claw, that she makes art out of this and elaborates herself into expanded creatures is interesting and like the concept of her fabricated creatureliness… out of this an idea that we are all mutilated/mutated in some way, physically, emotionally, none of us gets through life unscathed, the condition of existing… a few moments to read the wikipedia entry on Cioran, i discover he had fascist leanings in his youth, totalitarian sympathies, he died in old age of Alzheimer’s disease, confirming my idea that in spite of his claim that suicide should be the choice of all heroic characters, he did not have the courage to end his own life, saying at one point suicide is pointless because it is inevitably undertaken too late… interesting that despite his Nazi and Totalitarian sympathies he is well regarded as a thinker and writer, taking his place alongside existentialist thinkers, it is not surprising to me then that i think, when reading him, he is making the case that a Donald Trump should exist, is needed, to set society free to be creative… feeling better today so far…

January 06, 2020

224.3 lbs

… i wrote yesterday, my writing program decided to toss out what i wrote, maybe i offended it?, more likely there was a glitch in the program, it shouldn’t have done that, then i wonder, have i synced the iPad, which is where i wrote it, i go there and the word are still there, but it wants to download not upload the latest version, which is what happened on my iPhone and that led to the deletion, at any rate, i have yesterday’s words back, so i can share them now…

8:30 AM – Ella’s Bellas

… up at the usual time, H up before the coffee finishes brewing, disruption to morning routine, we negotiate it and it is fine… continuing to feel a little intestinal funky, tongue/taste buds better, annual physical soon, will discuss… four consecutive days of reading for the first hour in the morning, getting a lot of reading done, D’s book started this morning, love it so far, interesting writing, interesting story to tell, by comparison mine seems pretty benign, struggles with J notwithstanding… wild haired woman here, she intrigues me… need to get car serviced too… pork loin saucisson enters day two, rub with cognac (brandy in my case), sprinkle with cracked pepper and herbs de Provence, wrap in cheesecloth, place in refrigerator on a rack that lets air circulate all around, already the salt has sucked a lot of moisture out of the loins, such a simple process if it works out, will do more… reading D’s book, i wonder if i am being honest enough and going to the things that lie deep enough?, walking a line between being revelatory and TMI… looks like a lot of rain heading our way, temps in the 60’s, so far we have gotten off lightly with cold, unless you view it as signs of global warming, then maybe not so much… need to take car to be repaired this week if we are going to drive cross country in it, wondering about the tires too… time to get going, chores to do this morning…

January 05, 2020

224.6 lbs

… up earlyish, kitchen cleaned, coffee made, read for an hour, a little more, finish A Short History of Decay, i give it a five star rating on Goodreads, i am not clear that i understand it, but my takeaway is that Cioran revels in fetid humanity, believes there is no meaning to life, thinks that any sane person should end their lives forthwith, there being no meaning it doesn’t matter if you are hero or coward, it is all the same, except one should be heroic enough to end it, which it is not clear that he ever took his own conclusions… walk by the river, two men walking behind me, a long time, they talk to one another, this starts to annoy me, i am here for the quietude, to hear my own thoughts, finally i find a place to sit and they pass by… the geese are having disagreements, some take off complaining about the neighbors, a stray duck or two offers opinions, the faint sounds of jets in the sky, another less faint one, probably coming in for a landing… 

9:43 AM – Homespun Foods

… breakfast, cornmeal waffles, yum… H reads Iraq Prime Minister headline about removing troops from Iraq… “Fantastic!” she says with dripping sarcasm, i have resigned myself to being non reactive, little i can do until the 2020 election.

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