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Week 14

April 04, 2020

no weigh in

6:50 PM – Home

… feeling sad, profoundly difficult time, Oregon sending ventilators to NY… fucking federal government, not there when you need them… every state for themselves…

… Saturday, three weeks without H in the house, how long will it be before i see her again… drank a little too much last night, woke up with nasal ridge in mouth all dried out, similar to what happened on BI, drank lots of water to re-hydrate, wondering why that happens with the too much alcohol… no more today, get a nice bottle of wine in for tomorrow, my birthday, i will be 65… wondering if i should walk up the side of the mountain this morning, keep meaning to but hesitate, the trail narrow in places, if i run into anyone…

April 03, 2020

221.4 lbs

8:23 AM – Home still

… in an effort to sanitize dried beans i find out that the packaging isn’t water tight, lesson learned…

6:54 AM – Home, where the heart isn’t

… coming to end of third week of lock down, not awful, not wonderful, being, for the moment, healthy, priceless… i almost blew the house up yesterday, at least that’s what i feared would happen when i realized the house was filling with natural gas because a pot had overflowed and dowsed the flames of the burner, leaving gas to pour out, un-ignited, i resisted the urge to turn off all the lights, opened the windows, and within half an hour crisis averted… in bed at 8 PM last night, once i’ve had a cocktail sleep is inevitable and i get tired of watching movies or binge worthy series, i go to bed, i have found one of the nicest places to be during trying times is in bed, asleep… i have discovered that Alexa has a bunch of soothing sound tracks one can listen to, right now i am playing sounds of a Japanese garden, which consists of flute music over top of burbling water… i have decided i will make a pineapple upside down cake for my birthday, fond childhood memories of that, comfort food… my plan was to make a morel tart, but if i do the cake i might do something else instead, like maybe a morel mushroom mac and cheese… i search the web and find a recipe for Morel Gnocchi mac and cheese and it seems i have the appropriate ingredients… now, what will be my veggie?, brussels sprouts maybe, or broccoli, i’d really like a bitter greens salad to tell the truth, but a quick search in instacart indicates not to be had… the life of hunkering down…

April 02, 2020

219.6 lbs

5:48 PM – Home again, naturally

… Nicole Wallace this afternoon, tears in my eyes, what has happened to my country?… DT shows on every level the heartless, selfish, incompetent leader that he is, when will his cult followers finally abandon him, when will everyone wake up to the disaster he is, has been, will be?…

4:14 AM – Home

… i managed to stay up later last night, watched a couple of movies, romantic dramas, my preferred pandemic escape, Juliet, Naked, Under the Tuscan Sun, the latter a nice escapist movie i have seen before, but reasonably well done… text convo with S who is hospital administrator in Westchester, she confirms things are bad, she’s healthy though… i try to check in with someone each day, see how they are doing, make contact… i add a few things to my instacart order, where would i be without delivery services, even so, a little nervous for my safety with things coming through the door on an almost daily basis, even though my intake procedures are pretty advanced… it is important that anyone not get sick right now, though so many will, it is important that i not get sick as i have hypertension which is one of the underlying conditions that can make the disease hard to endure, so i will be as careful as i can stand to be for as long as it takes to get to a vaccine and/or efficacious treatments…

April 01, 2020

220.4 lbs

5:06 AM – Home, where else would i be?

… in bed extra early last night, 7:00 PM, B pulls me out of snoozing with text message, “How are you doing?,” ok i say, a little bored, “a little?” B replies… i am quasi productive during the day, up to about 4 PM, turn on Nicole Wallace for the latest grim news, have a glass of wine, or two, or three, some diner, try to watch a movie, but for the past several nights i loose patience at the half-way to two-thirds mark, and back out of said movie, at which point i decide i am drowsy and climb the stairs to the bedroom where i can loose myself in the dark silence… i consider myself mildly depressed, mildly anxious, a little lonely… i have my safety procedures down, my number one job, i tell myself and anyone listening, is to not need the healthcare system right now, while it is getting overrun… so far so good, some luck and careful behavior, B (a different B) admitted that i was ahead of the curve on this and that he had adopted similar procedures to mine for intake… my dried mushrooms come out of the quarantine box today, among them two containers of morel mushrooms, i am planning to make myself a morel mushroom tart for my birthday which i will spend physically alone, though a family Zoom meeting is planned for the morning and H and i will face time later in the day… you would think that i would get a lot of reading done during this time, but oddly, i am not, the time that is open for that is later in the day, by which time i am unable to focus on the concentration demanding things i like to read, i rarely read for the guilty pleasure of reading something trashy or popular, right now i am finishing Bertrand Russell’s An Analysis of Matter, heavy going, filled with mathematics i don’t really understand, though i get the basic sense of his arguments about space-time, matter, what our perceptions of all that do and don’t tell us… i like the pictures i am making, especially the one below of the brand new American flag that appeared in one of the shop windows on Main Street, a patriotic gesture?, gesture of solidarity?, i wonder if the proprietor is a Trump supporter, which i am inclined to believe he is, pretty sure it’s a he, a personal training business… i have projects that i want to do but i am not getting to them… i am lacking motivation, yet i know i should just plunge in and get some things done, use the time constructively, not be bored, but then there are articles appearing questioning whether we need to feel guilty for not accomplishing, given that we are stuck like this, inside, apart, it’s enough just to continue to be, that is the goal isn’t it? get out the other end of this alive?…

March 31, 2020

219.4 lbs

3:00 PM – Home

… busy day so far, lots of communicating, Moby Dick reading project, photo editing, walk… Fiona is sleeping on the floor beside my chair, comforting… supply chains are intact and seem to be working well… gray and gloomy this morning but a little sunshine is coming through the windows just now… in the third week of lock down or shelter in place or whatever you want to call it, the pandemic on the upswing, really we’ve only begun the ascent to the top of the wave of sickness and misery coming through, the question being, is it a rogue wave of the kind that sank the fishing boat in the perfect storm, or is it a more normal towering wave, i.e., have we been able to dampen it’s amplitude at all?… Cuomo looking tired and a little dispirited, the Federal Gov., not wanting responsibility, leaving it to the states, trying to shove it off on the states, i imagine this is so DT can shield himself from blame… nothing normal about life right now, and for some time to come… long text convo with H about coming home, staying on BI… what’s the right thing to do?…

March 30, 2020

218.6 lbs

8:23 AM – Home

… back from a walk, 7.3K steps, passed more people than would have liked, passed A who moved to the center of the street to practice social distancing… lots of photos today… cloudy gray day… passed E as i arrived at my house, she taking their dog for a walk, we said good morning, interaction is minimal even with people we know…

5:55 AM – Home

… a little more wine than i should two nights running, need to stop that, don’t sleep as well, don’t feel as well the following day, hard not to want to anesthetize myself, i am sure i am not alone… contemplating what to do for my birthday, in a week, will be alone, want to get myself a present, maybe a couple, not sure, there are a number of options… i read an article about how conservatives and liberals are reacting to the pandemic, conservatives not taking it as seriously as liberals, will god protect those who protect themselves?… i returned to reading a book first thing in the morning, trying to finish BR An Analysis of Matter, less than 100 pages to go… made two submissions yesterday, think i will try to make some more this week, also thinking about starting to assemble a book of journal photos, especially these weeks of pandemic and lock down…

March 29, 2020

220.0 lbs

5:50 AM – Home

… a day that went well until late afternoon, H realized that we might not be able to be physically in each other’s presence for a month or two, states starting to restrict moving about, she got angry with me for not being more upset than i am, i explained i had expected this the day i left her to come home, that it would be a while before we could be together again, i had already adjusted… then, a virtual happy hour had been called for her side of the family, i did not find out about it until minutes before, i was not in the mood and sulking about not having been included in the initial notification email sent out… we have a family video conference scheduled for today, not really looking forward to it, not convinced it will be satisfying contact… i am sad today, was managing to cruise along and get some things done until the late afternoon, will try again today… a bird is singing, the same bird that sings in the early hours, sometimes all night, every spring, loud, boisterous, insistent… i realize i went to my childhood “nobody loves me” place with the family Zoom conference yesterday, i am more fragile than i had been thinking…

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