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Week 16

April 18, 2020

222.6 lbs

5:57 AM – My Studio

… early to bed, early to rise… rain, cold, not sure i will get out for my walk, may try anyway… need fresh veggies… noted on FB that S has been supplying fresh salmon, maybe other fish, have to get on that wagon… was expecting my new book trimming tool, just checked tracking and it has been delayed, oh well… the Cheeto-in-chief fomenting protest in democratic governor swing states, is there no end to his awfulness?… convinced the second wave will be sooner and worse than need be, there was always going to be a second wave, erratic behavior seems set to make it worse…

April 17, 2020

220.4 lbs

4:36 AM – Home, but not alone

… brought H home yesterday, good not to be alone anymore, it was getting to me a little… saw L and S, both doing good, social distancing making things a little awkward, family, do you trust or not… S learning to tie flies and fly fish, Uncle M will be happy about that… we are not even two months in, at least ten more months, likely sixteen… caught the Cheeto-In-Chief’s opening remarks last night, crowing and preening about how his efforts kept the worst from happening, propaganda, all propaganda, we can’t begin to know what the worst is going to be as we are in the first innings, the Spanish Flu pandemic came in three waves, the second far worse that the first, even the third exceeding the first by some margin, yep, a little too soon to be crowing about disaster averted, administration seems incapable, unwilling, to do things within it’s power that could mitigate, all i can say is, wait for it… of course, when the second and third waves come, the C-I-C will say he knew it would be like this, predicted it before anyone else, yada, yada, yada, i have no tolerance left for this stupidity…

April 15, 2020

220.4 lbs

5:54 AM – Home

… the birds tweeting outside… silence in the house, but for the hum of computer, dogs upstairs, they went back to bed lol… H comes home tomorrow, have a bunch to do, move my computer back upstairs, clean up my studio, vacuum the house, give Chas a bath, trim Fiona’s nails, Chas’ too if he will let me… get some wine in, get the next grocery order ready, get, get, get… put some gas in the car…

April 14, 2020

219.8 lbs

4:19 AM – Home

… slept better last night, helps to have only one cocktail… new Bob Dylan song, Murder Most Foul, good one… i listen and wonder, what makes good poetry? good lyrics? i don’t know, being an acknowledged master gives you the right to be presumed masterful until proven otherwise, not that i have an opinion about the new song one way or another, i haven’t listened to it with enough attention to have an opinion other than on surface i like it… i want to be thought masterful at something, photography i guess, maybe literature, writing, all signs point to being too old to have the spark of brilliance most think is the province of the young… i remind myself adulation isn’t the goal, making the work is enough, still i don’t like shouting into the void, i don’t think anyone does… rage, rage against the night… i have been depressed, struggling to make meaningful use of my time, yesterday was better, i managed to read another chapter or two of Bertrand Russell Analysis of Matter, even comprehend a bit of it… keep pressing forward, be brave, life still worth living even at a distance from friends, family… H coming home in a few days, apart from apprehensiveness about going out into the, i imagine, virus laden world to get her and bring her home, and the countdown of days in quarantine to know that she, i, have not been exposed to the virus, a risk that can be managed and worth taking to have company for the isolation… i am reading an interview with Yurie Nagashima, a photographer i never heard of before, Japanese, i look at the photographs shared, not immediately sure why they are thought to be good, though, i suspect they are, they seem casual, often crude, snapshot like, tourist snapshot like some of them… i have been asking myself, can i be more casual with my photographs, can i care less about the quality of the image and more about the content, but be kind of nonchalant about the content too?, can i recognize what a good photograph is, can i be less self conscious about it?, i don’t have answers, just desires… in the Nagashima interview, that she did a series of nude photographs with her family, catches my attention, the point was to make pictures that it would be difficult to find sexual, i suppose because of the strong sexual taboos for family members, but i can’t see how it could actually succeed on that level, my own experience being that within families, the sexual tensions can be extreme, palpable, mother/father, mother/son, father/daughter, brother/sister, it’s all there, especially when son and daughter are of an age…

April 13, 2020

220.0 lbs

8:09 AM – Home

… howling storm outside, looks like rain all week, going to have to figure out what to do for pictures… the skin spots i was concerned about seem to be nothing, one i think i have had for a long time but my mind, wanting to worry, treated it as new, the other seems to be some skin irritation passing through, which happens… made the Timpano last night, really good and not that hard to make… will likely do it again at some point for company… watched Smoke last night, great movie, totally love it, i wonder what the movie will be for tonight… wind is a little scary, glad to be inside… chilly… i text message H, waiting for a reply… thinking i might actually do some reading today… reading has been hard, concentration has been hard, all kinds of things have been hard, though, gradually, the new way of living is settling in, new routines, new habits, how much will life have changed when we come out the other end?, a lot… metal panel whipping about outside, hoping it isn’t from our roof…

April 12, 2020

219.6 lbs

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