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Week 18

May 02, 2020

226.4 lbs

5:18 AM – Home

… feeling fat today, i knew it would not be good, ate a lot yesterday, will have to be careful with calories and exercise, not been easy because of weather… Chas just came down, i retrieve Fiona, grabbed the Panasonic camera and made some pics along the way, low light… fat and unhealthy i should add… need to get lots of walk in today… dogs come in, treats all around, Rubie too… feeling frustrated, dispirited, everything happening in slow motion, some things getting done, garden project proceeding slowly as i gather materials needed, have to get on the trail of some perforated pipe today, need some garden stone too… i have been organizing my photo books, realizing i have some good ones, wondering if i should write about them, if i did, where would i do it, here?… i keep thinking of projects i want to do, but only halfway get to doing them or don’t do them at all… thinking about replacing the glass in my frames, wondering if R would be able to cut some for me…

May 01, 2020

224.2 lbs

… cloudy, mournful, no place to sit… man, fishing through garbage… my friend E does not want to be too close, we talk, but i am halfway in the street, i try to get a little closer so i can hear, she moves away each time i do, i understand, its frustrating though…

April 30, 2020

222.0 lbs

4:32 AM – Home

… not the best night, Chas with upset stomach, me having to tend to it, he is sleeping on the couch now, Fiona, upstairs in her crate… rain for the next many days, wind too… i built cradles for the two stock tanks i bought, they look really good, i think the container garden is going to work out… i almost went down a rabbit hole with an Instagram follower, rather attractive young woman being insistent on private messaging, i am used to the come-ons, you know, they want you to look at a porn site or something, this seemed a little different though, i interacted a little, then did some internet research and realized the Instagram account was populated with pictures that were out there under a number of different names and personas, seemed pretty dodgy, i removed her from my followers… still have not heard from A, wondering why, it’s been more than a week, hope she is ok…

April 29, 2020

April 28, 2020

224.6 lbs

7:22 AM – My walk

… turkey vultures hopping from house to house, dog barking, birds singing, sunlight in the trees…

5:59 AM – Home

… strange dreams of being on the wrong side of an authoritarian state last night… this morning, Fiona is annoying, i read an article in the New Yorker about the difference between the COVID-19 response in NYC/NYS and Seattle/WA… Cuomo cannot be viewed as the pinnacle of leadership in the pandemic, in fact, his failure to follow the pandemic playbook early enough and completely enough surely cost a lot of NY lives, still, he is much better than the cheeto-in-chief… i am frustrated as i intended to read the moss book and wrap myself in warm, fuzzy, connected-to-nature feelings, which generally gets my day off to the best start, instead, i am irritated over what i read and spend all my start of the day reading time with that irritation… time to get on with the day…

April 27, 2020

224.6 lbs

4:40 AM – Home

… we went to bed early, because of that, i wake up early, 2:30 AM, i am pretty awake and know i won’t sleep again… after a while, i decide to try to count my breaths, just up to 10, when i get to 6 or 7, i always loose my way in thought and have to start over again, 7 seems to be the hard barrier, i try again and again, i try maybe 100 times, i only make it through to 10 once, twice… i get up, i decide that i will not look at my phone for the latest anything, can i have a social media free day?… the weather is cold, breezy, rainy, the weather has been what might be called dismal, or is it the conditions of the pandemic that make it seem so?… i invented a pasta dish last night, whole wheat penne pasta, reconstituted porcini mushrooms, broth used to make a mushroom cream sauce, 1/2 teaspoon of smoked spanish paprika, 1/2 cup of milk, 2/3 lbs of pasta, one onion, diced, salt, pepper, a little cheese, not parmesan, the other one i can’t remember the name of right now, served with roasted asparagus…

“But from the evolutionary perspective of Dicranum, the asymmetry of the sexual relationship matters a great deal. Dwarf males are an efficient solution to the problem of getting fertilized. The entire species, both sexes, benefits from this arrangement. A full-size male actually stands in the way of his own genetic success, his leaves and branches increasing the distance between sperm and egg. A dwarf male will produce many more offspring than will a full-size male. He can best contribute to the next generation by delivering sperm and then getting out of the way.”

from Gathering Moss: A Natural and Cultural History of Mosses, Robin Wall Kimmerer

… i read this, thinking about the situation as one populated by male and female individuals helps to relate it to being human, anthropomorphize it, but i am not clear that it is the right or most useful interpretation, that perhaps it needs to be seen more as a system integrated so as to make reproduction possible, each part of the system having its role to play… i think about this for humans, i wonder what might be gained from ceasing to think about sex as circumscribed opposites, and starting to think about maleness and femaleness as interconnected and interdependent modes of being… i am she, she is he, he is me… i have a thought, R and myself are not what one would normally think of as strong males, we have aligned ourselves with females that are strong, dominant, it seems a family trait, we live in a world with room for that, but J never did… men of J’s generation had a less ambiguous role to play, as did the women, we understand things differently now, it’s possible for the boundaries of our roles to be more gender fluid, and perhaps there is less trauma by losening up the tightly defined roles prevalent in society… from that thought the flash of the idea that the white male patriarch back lash is bigger and more existential than i had thought, it is the struggle of tightly defined racial and gender roles that are being inundated by racial and gender fluidity, leading to the dissolution of its tight definition of itself, and this includes the men and women of this old school gender system, they are fighting for identity survival, a fight that it doesn’t seem can be won, subsequent generations have made the transition and are getting impatient with this older generation refusing to hand over the keys to the kingdom…

April 26, 2020

224.0 lbs

Prescription drug mess,
The sounds of raindrops outside,
This too can be fixed.

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