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Week 36

September 05, 2020

227.6 lbs

08:01 AM – walking, Hudson Valley Brewery

… heavy heart even though day is beautiful and walk has been pleasant, so much grief, anger and sadness in my country…

06:31 AM – living room couch with Fiona

… i have been reading in the dream book and remembering a dream last night, i am remembering that my dream involved a landscape with orchards in disconnected strips and fallow land in between, i asked the farmer about the fallow strips, he had tried to acquire them but they were too expensive, then i remember running to the top of a mountain and attempting to fly, but that the winds were too strong, they drove me back to the ground whenever i tried to take off…

04:26 AM – my studio

an article in The Atlantic about the possibility of civil unrest after the election, people buying guns at a record rate, wtf?, as if i needed any more reason to hate 45 and his supporters, i try not to hate, but it is so abysmal, i can’t finish the article, it is too disturbing… as i peruse my other feeds, i land on Jonathan Blaustein, read from beginning to end, all about his last trip before the virus hit, all about life as he used to experience it, i continue to contemplate the probability of civil unrest around the election, i am very uneasy… i comfort myself by thinking that human imagination, especially of possible chaos, always seems worse than actual events turn out to be, remember Y2K?… of course, back then, the widespread hysteria about the sky falling down led to the problem being fixed for the most part before the stroke of midnight on the 1999-2000 transition… people are trying to fix, or at least prepare, for the current problem, but it seems far more menacing and difficult to address, if only we could patch some source code to make this all go away… i accidentally mark as read all articles on Feedly, no undoing that gesture, oh well, what next?… back to editing and cataloging photographs i guess…

September 04, 2020

226.0 lbs

07:28 AM – walking, Fishkill Creek

… H in a bad mood, did not sleep… i am still dealing with borderline depression, though day is more promising… news that 45 disdains the military, can’t understand what’s in it for the volunteers, HCR post focuses exclusively on that… can one have an individual and a communal presence in the world?…

05:37 AM – my studio

… a bad day yesterday, depressed, i have been hitting a fairly, for me, deep depression the past couple of days, usually in the AM… it is not completely debilitating, is possibly around a bunch of things i feel the need to do, but am reluctant to do, i am being resistant to making my art beyond daily photo walks, writing in this daybook… i am reading a book, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, by Toko-pa Turner, a Canadian woman who speaks about her traumatic childhood and her discovery of dream analysis and traditional dream practices which become her way back to her full self… i am skeptical through the first three chapters, by the fourth, beginning to warm up to her, but still thinking, a traumatized woman who needs to speak her traumatic story to validate her being in the world, i am a little tired of people who turn their traumas into success in the market place of the world… still, her need to recover the divine feminine for herself, for the planet, resonates, as the feminine, my own strong feminine, seems to be lurking in the shadows of all i do… i struggle to be reciprocal, i struggle with my own divine feminine, how does one have a divine feminine while presenting a male body to the outside world, the expectations because of that body just don’t match what i want to be, and for the most part, i have constructed a life in which i don’t have to be those expectations, but it is confusing, because i still love the feeling of attraction to a beautiful woman, of engaging with her through my maleness, while at the same time, in love with the idea of being that woman, how do the two coexist?… the divine feminine, a subject i address through my photography, and actually do, though i have not pulled that picture making together yet… yesterday i purchased a pro Flickr account, then deleted all 2700+ photographs i had posted since 2008, i wasn’t sure why i did either of those things, but i have become frustrated with Instagram, Facebook and Tumblr, with the amount of aggressive advertising showing up in all these places, none of these have been very successful pathways for me to share my photography, i don’t have significant followings on any of them, at least not followings that appreciate my work in any numbers… i am turning to Flickr, hoping something different can happen there, i am not sure what… i will let it lie empty for a bit, while i figure it out… maybe i don’t need to be there at all, but if i do, it will be because of carefully chosen and cultivated community… but i need to sit quiet for a while, maybe just lurk and watch, to see what might become my Flickr space… Luchita Hurtado, Paris Review, the divine feminine rendered…

September 03, 2020

226.2 lbs

07:37 AM – walking, 9D, bridge over Fishkill Creek

… my mood is heavy, generally depressed, not incapacitated depressed, but depressed, the national shit show getting to me, the lock down getting to me, health concerns getting to me… when will relief come?…

04:45 AM – my studio

… moved back into the studio yesterday, didn’t have any photos to edit, weather is getting more reasonable… depressing news last night, across the board, how did things get so bad?… fuck all 45 supporters, selfish or ignorant, take your pick… an article in Creative Boom catches my attention, a photo book, made from assemblages of photographs into arial views of the clutter of urban civilization, Collectives, by São Paulo based photographer Cássio Vasconcellos, it is billed as a Covid project, but i find it more of a broad statement on humanity… The Honest Broker, Brad Buchholz, the sad state of affairs, where propaganda meets honest broker, the upshot?, that propaganda wins due to its shamelessness… i have this pervasive sense of gloom, i know something is coming from the Justice Department, that it will be awful, waiting for the other shoes to drop, does the Biden camp have an inkling of what it will be?, are they prepared?, how can you prepare for outright lies and demagoguery?… a depressing list of articles on the American horror show this AM, i skim most of them, consider whether any of them are worth posting, i conclude, generally not, because my aim would be persuasion, and there is nothing in them that would not be rejected by those i know to be in need of persuasion, mostly because they are so invested in the propaganda they do pay attention to… maybe i should post things just so i can say, yup, we warned you… i am considering pulling out of instagram and possibly Tumblr, both have become so filled with advertising that it is no longer pleasant to look through them, really, we are all advertising through them, our glorious life styles, our art, our whatever… it’s not communication, it’s re-education… well, there we go, all articles read, the photography articles not of interest, don’t know if it’s me, my lack of patience, or that the work just isn’t that inspiring, to me anyway, i am stuck, there are things i should be doing, but can’t… what is it, 61 days to the election now?… i am deeply worried… I hope against hope, that Biden/Harris will win the day and 45 will be sent packing, and that we can begin the cleanup of the mess that is the Republican Party… i am tired of all the ways to share photos, to share with the public, i am mostly tired of the distracting advertising, i am mostly tired of the clamoring to be noticed, to be part of that clamoring, i try to think, is there a better way to do this?, i look again at Flickr, wonder if that is where i should concentrate my efforts, wonder if i should dump Instagram, FB, Tumblr, Twitter?… an overhaul of the social media strategy is coming… as i sit here, calmly thinking about strategies, i think that everything must center around my WP site, that publishing to social media should be about pushing traffic to that site, except when it is about daily living, that my social media posts should be more limited, one per week, one per day?, tbd… point all my domains to the WP site…

September 02, 2020

226.4 lbs

06:37 AM – dining room

… the sound of rainwater slapping the pavement outside my window… my weight is up, i expected that, i was not disciplined yesterday, though i tried… i got pretty depressed in the early part of the day, physical labor, getting things done, that pulled me out of it, we gathered some landscaping materials for the garden, some graph paper for H to use in planning the garden, some food ingredients for the dinner i wanted to make, but didn’t, i realized there was shrimp, thawed out, that needed to be used, so it was shrimp scampi and pasta instead, it was delicious, served with a mozzarella, tomato and basil salad, the later, fresh from the garden… i watched “The Help,” last night, while H participated in a zoom meeting, i liked it, made me cry… the flu vaccine is now available at the doctor’s office, i need to make an appointment for a checkup and to get the vaccine… the Dorothea Lange Digital Archive

September 01, 2020

224.6 lbs

05:31 AM – dining room

… HCR describing the crazy and offering hopeful polling signs, the military seems to be turning against 45, not in a coup sort of way, in a voting sort of way, they seem to presently prefer Biden/Harris… i largely stick to my commitment not to read news in the morning, to focus instead on things that uplift my spirits, i finish tagging and key wording my photographs for the past two days, select candidates for my Daybook…

August 31, 2020

225.6 lbs

07:51 AM – walking, Long Dock Park

… as i am walking, i realize that i am in a more receptive mood today, i realize it is because the morning had less news, more material that asks me to dive deeper, is more extended, and does not make me angry as much of the news does… i decide to commit my mornings to pursuits that dive more deeply and promote a peaceful and happy mind… what does it mean to be original, unique, one of a kind?…

04:04 AM – dining room

… up earlier than usual, too late to go back to sleep, too early to get up, i get up and lie on the couch for half an hour, drink some water, and then start the coffee… HCR’s memo discusses the authoritarian moves the 45 administration is making, the encouraging thing being that there appears to have been no post convention bump for 45, who continues to trail Biden/Harris significantly… 04:48 AM and i am done with my feeds… some book reading now, i am ambivalent about reading, maybe i should finish photo editing from yesterday, maybe i should write a summary paragraph for last week, maybe, maybe, maybe… my contemplation of alternatives is about what will give me comfort … i read some in Parable of the Talents, a science fiction novel written by Octavia E. Butler, a dystopian novel in which fundamentalist Christians have gained control of the country and a presidential candidate runs under the slogan “Make America Great Again,” and i am thinking that is too weird to be true, Christians, Make America Great Again, 45?… is it coincidence or did someone read the book?, if they did, it would seem a poor model for a presidential run… have i stumbled into the rabbit hole of some conspiracy theory?, and based on the Parable of the Talents, wherein the industrious shall inherit the fruits of the earth and the meek shall have whatever they have taken from them… i read about The Parable of the Talents on Wikipedia, various interpretations, it’s basic meaning that the rich get richer and poor get poorer, that this is justice in the eye of God… and one sees how Capitalism and Christianity walk hand in hand…

August 30, 2020

08:19 AM – walking, Beacon Falls

… sent HCR post to C to explain to her what worries me, what I am afraid of… nice day…

04:49 AM – dining room

… HCR’s memo is disturbing largely because it makes me fear 45 is wining the narrative wars, telling complete lies but echoed and amplified by Fox and other propagandistic news media, if we manage to remove 45 from office something needs to be done about the propaganda, the news, people cannot be lied to by outlets that call themselves news when they are not… i am done with my news feed already, it’s only 05:11 AM, i have looked through the books on my Kindle and none appeal, i will try again… an underlying sense of doom… H upstairs reading, she could not sleep… Chas with H, Fiona with me, did i mention that Fiona escaped the backyard and went for a walkabout last night?… i think about sending this morning’s HCR post to C imploring her not to vote for 45, telling her to read it, she would read it, whether she would believe it is another question, she has always been the more reasonable of the two, probably closet liberal that has been slowly brainwashed by her circumstances…

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