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Week 46

November 14, 2020

228.8 lbs

05:33 AM – my studio

… looking through my music feed on Feedly, lots of good new releases… HCR talks about possibility 45 won’t release DTAs because they might implicate him in wrong doing… looking through photography work, some interesting, none knocking my socks off… Morningstar, Marshall Scheuttle, interesting, i follow his instagram…

from Morningstar, Marshall Seheuttle
from Morningstar, Marshall Seheuttle

… i like this image because i sometimes have my hair done in a French braid… Maria Popova takes a look at Song of the Open Road, Walt Whitman… and at this moment, i think, wouldn’t it be wonderful if the news did not play all day, if i could hope to read deeply, expunge 45 from my brain… Nari Ward, sculptures from Detritus…

“Iron Heavens” (1995), oven pans, ironed sterilized cotton, and burnt wooden bats, 140 x 148 x 48 inches, Nari Ward
“Iron Heavens” (1995), oven pans, ironed sterilized cotton, and burnt wooden bats, 140 x 148 x 48 inches, Nari Ward

… i woke up this morning with erotic imagery in my mind, scenes from sexually explicit movies i have watched, a while ago, i got up and self pleasured in my studio, it is later now, and this Kama Sutra alphabet caught my attention, i am sad to be old, to have past out of having sex actually, as opposed to dreaming/fantasizing about it…

Kama Sutra, A-Z, Malika Favre
Kama Sutra, A-Z, Malika Favre

Gregory Crewdson, new workMiles Aldridge… two sides of the same coin…

November 13, 2020

228.8 lbs

04:34 AM – my studio

… downloading Big Sur, this will be my morning before going out for photo walk… yesterday, N announced she has joined the alternative social media outlets, the ones that don’t block QANON, don’t call out false and misleading information, when did it become a thing to live in a world where you create your own facts?, N’s friends are announcing they are doing the same thing, some will leave FB all together, i think to myself, wait for it, government will police those sources too, or threaten to if they don’t reign in bad shit… i am trying to wrap my head around the willingness to dive into rabbit holes of stupidity and ignorance… Arizona was called for Biden/Harris last night, 45’s campaign is claiming vote counting machines switched votes with no evidence… feeling drugged this AM, didn’t drink that much, wondering why… ignored the news for the most part yesterday, H keeps it on most of the day, i just did things, installed more shelves in the kitchen… need to find salt cod dishes that are not so fattening… the whisper whir of my computer… back to these alternate reality silos people seem to want to sequester themselves in, maybe we live in an age where you create the reality you want to live in, your own virtual world, maybe it is preparation for an ascension… Big Sur installing… Chas and Fiona up, out, back in, treats, Chas back to bed with H, Fiona with me, she seems prepared to be quiet this morning… fed Rubie so he won’t bother me, the dogs… wondering if the new OS will transform my world, of course not, there will be a few things to like, the shininess will fade quickly, always does, nirvana does not reside in operating systems… i open Robert Adams’s Beauty In Photography, in the preface he sites T S Elliot’s Four Quartets, i resolve to read them…

November 12, 2020

227.6 lbs

05:28 AM – my studio

… reviewing Feedly feed, sussing out what i am feeling, reviewing my thoughts, i open windows, it’s too warm in my studio, a cross breeze is happening, it does feel cooler… wind chimes tinkle in the wind, photographs by Christina Rizzi Guelfi on AINT BAD, i look through them, they seem of a genre that is mostly confined to women photographers as far as i can see, collage about the nature of being a woman, in this case, the substitution of head shot portraits over the head of the photographer, her mother at a younger age?, the clothing seeming more dated, or just herself under different circumstances, the occasional framed portrait that is just her, i respond favorably to the work, though i think to myself i have seen better examples of the genre, it turns out the the faces she installs in place of her own are from the 50’s and 60’s and various women… it is sophisticated in its intentions, how would i respond in Salon?, i am not sure…

Christina Rizzi Guelfi
Christina Rizzi Guelfi

November 11, 2020

227.0 lbs

07:36 AM – Beacon Falls, Roundhouse

… going to stay unplugged as long as i can, as much as i can, H’s need to watch train wreck not withstanding, i need to get 45 out of my head, or at least reduce him to an insignificant size… Fishkill Creek flows over the dam, white noise, tv static…

04:18 AM – My Studio

… 45 behaving awful, but most pundits say he will be gone on January 20 (but not forgotten for a number of reasons), i will continue to worry about the worst even while hoping for better than the worst, can’t hope for the best because the best was never going to happen… an article on Mimi Plumb’s latest book, Sheltering Under The White Sky, white trash suburban youth, seems anachronistic, harking back to a time when whiteness is the be all, end all… another article on Jurgen Teller & Harmony Korine William Eggleston 414, masters cavorting with the master… Jorg Colberg announces the publication of his photo book Vaterland, considering the subject of the rise of the Alt Right and his return to birthplace… as i write that, i think maybe i should return to Tacoma Washington, where i got my start… finish editing photographs from yesterday, thinking about bringing the Lumix today… i go back to Feedly and the news, then decide i don’t need any more news, i know what is going on, instead, i read Rumi, for enlightenment, for peace… the petty world, which is what the vast majority of it is, except much harm flows out of the pettiness, we pretend to power when we have none…

All people on the planet
are children, except for a very few.
No one is grown up except those free of desire.1

… Rumi is enigmatic, give up playing with childish things, which is just about everything, give up desire, when you do, the world is yours, this seems a spiritual interpretation of Plato’s cave, understanding is something shadows are mistaken for, we are stuck, pinned between our desires, the economy functions on desires, the wisdom of old people, who’s desires wan, is irrelevant to the way we construct our worlds… i want 45 out of my head, then perhaps i should stop reading about him?, watching the news?, he permeates everything, the would be god/king, but in the most vile way, how is it that such vileness can ascend to the throne of the public discourse?, of course, we all love a good train wreck, we can’t look away, even though our gaze fuels it, makes it stronger, more destructive… the feedback loop needs to be severed… it starts with my severance…

November 10, 2020

227.2 lbs

08:22 AM – sitting, 9D, Bob’s Corner Store

… as i walk, mind processing the trauma 45 represents to me, it is almost unbearable, completely exhausting… another very warm day, my body has been overheating easily, as if it is programmed for the colder weather already…

06:36 AM – my studio

… increasingly pundits are wondering if a coup is underway, i think we have to seriously consider the possibility and be prepared…

November 09, 2020

228.2 lbs

02:23 PM – my studio

… DS Esper gone, a yes man taking his place?, i worry that the military, justice department, homeland security, will be deployed against the people, the vote, the President and Vice President elect, hoping i am wrong…

08:06 AM – Beacon Falls, Roundhouse

… my walking has been unpleasant as i cannot let go of the anger i am feeling towards 45 supporters, including family members… i imagine having knock down, drag out fights with them ending with never speaking to them again, it is not a good headspace i am occupying right now… it will most likely be a turbulent week… it’s a shame because it is another beautiful day…

05:16 AM – my studio

… Heather Cox Richardson post this morning is anything but comforting, 45’s administration, and most Republican elected officials, are going with the baseless claims of fraud, she raises the unlikely but possible scenarios that the Supreme Court will step in or that the election will somehow get thrown to the House of Representatives, she rates this as “technically possible,”… my sense of foreboding grows, i contemplate refusing to have anything to do with C and J, who support 45, i rack my brain trying to think of any way to convince others in my orbit that 45 spreads lies, disinformation, sadly, the nightmare is not yet over…

November 08, 2020

227.2 lbs

05:56 AM – my studio

… i wrote this on FB this AM:

I have been struggling to be as happy as I think I should be with the election of the Biden/Harris ticket for next president and vice president of the United States. There have been moments when tears welled up in my eyes and I genuinely believe we have been saved from an immediate descent into authoritarianism.

There was dancing in the streets yesterday, I wanted to join it, but emotionally, I couldn’t.

As this article outlines, the Senate is likely to remain under the control of Mitch McConnel which means that very little legislative progress will be made unless Biden can truly pull a bipartisan rabbit out of the hat. Nobody is optimistic that will be the case, so I can’t be either.


Seventy million citizens voted to re-up 45 even though what he was, is and will be is clear for anyone with an appetite for facts and the truth to see. Alas, there are two information universes that guarantee that public opinion about what is going on will be widely divergent for some time to come. It’s not just that the info spheres are biased one direction or another, they are dealing in fundamentally different sets of information and intent. As Kelly Anne Conway famously said, facts don’t matter, what people believe matters. The most glaring moment of truth ever spoken by a political operative in my opinion. And lest some of us get too high up on our superior adhesion to science and facts, the secular, scientific, fact based world we view as the foundations of our citizenship, is no less a belief system in many respects. The majority of humanity remains driven by primal instinct which has little to do with a rational assessment of the world. Indeed, the rational mind is the handmaid to primal instinct, functioning as much to justify self preservative behavior as to generate it. This is why large segments of the population can be led astray, primal fear being a powerful motivator and easily triggered.

So, the immediate crisis has been averted, but the trauma remains. I have PTSD over all of this. I think most of us do. We know the struggle is hardly over. We know there will be more dark days and more exhaustion.

I am relieved that we will be led by President Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris for four years. I have hope that the needle will be moved in the right direction during that time. That they or some configuration of them will win a second four years. My fears about things that go bump in the dark remain.

… that’s all i have to say about that…

  1. Rumi, Jalal Al-Din; Barks, Coleman. The Essential Rumi – reissue (p. 4). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.

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